free write - unedited.

Where do you feel heard?

I feel heard with my friends. It almost always feels like school, work, etc. don’t really care or don’t have time to care about a single person’s thoughts, opinions, or problems. It’s understandable, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. With my friends, I can be completely honest and forthcoming, and they can be the same way with me. I pride myself on knowing who my real friends are and for keeping my circle small, because there are so many people who have to be careful when picking and choosing who they tell something to, which is ludicrous to me. I don’t often feel like I need to be heard, because I don’t often have super important things to say. But the few times I’ve been turned away by teachers or even family members really reminded me where my voice can and cannot be heard. My friends are not obliged to keep their opinions to themselves or to move me to a different location to let someone else deal with the problem. They made the decision to befriend me, and by default made the decision to listen to me and take me into consideration, and I like to think I do the same for them. I appreciate them, but I would still like to think I’m important enough or at least relevant enough for people outside of the people I chose to hear me out when I have something to say.

Where do you feel spoken to?

I feel spoken to in the quiet. There are so many several types of quiet: awkward, tension, angry, tired, sad, etc. My favorite type of quiet is “comfortable silence”. When there’s nothing but white noise or the distant sound of a television, I feel relaxed and my mind doesn’t jump around so much. It’s like this blanket of calming hushed tones takes the anxiety and tension out of my body and leaves me to my own devices. I have my best ideas when I’m lying in bed, staring at nothing, my mind is a single stream of consciousness that somehow manages to flow seamlessly into every fiber of my being. I don’t have to think, just wander, and the silence guides me through it all, centering me in a way.

It’s complicated.

It’s complicated for me, because I want to do well and be present in the moment instead of worrying and half-assing things because I won’t do a stellar job. It’s like tortured laziness in a way, which is one of the weirdest and most complicated thing.